Journals218
Newest
New Years
2 min read
Can't believe it's been sol ing since I made a journal!
Anyways, it's been same old same old. I am having some difficulties adjusting to living outside of home and instead someplace else (a friend's house with her family), but I am getting more and more used to it! I feel like I am actually living like an adult! -squeal!- okay. now that's just sad ><
Anyways, I have commissions still up if anybody wants any. I am trying to get back into DA again, I haven't had too many chances to work on stuff since school sucks all of my creativity out of me D:
But I also plan to start a 100 Theme challenge soon! just of sketches, but I may layer on my own requirements for each… I'll have to see when the time comes but I plan to make it a list of soundtracks with interesting titles from video games! 
gave me the idea and we've been putting things together haha…
gave me the idea and we've been putting things together haha… But I plan to put some work up from school pretty soon once I get space and good internet to do it, and then becoming just a tinge bit more active on here 
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commissions
1 min read
Putting this here to say that commissions are still open.
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A Little Personal
11 min read
I used to put up journals on here that were quite personal, I don't exactly do that anymore as sometimes I find it to be childish. But, heck, I'm in a childish mood. I am not sure whether I'll be very much active on DA for a little while and here's why. Ignore if you please, but I wanted to get this off my mind and put it somewhere in case something were to happen. I figure that people don't normally read my journals anyways and any friends of mine that do read this deserve to know things and let me explain my improper behavior.
I'm going through a rough time in my life right now.Though others may not see it as so rough and something well obvious in occurring. I learned a couple days ago that my parents are going to be getting divorced after being married 20 and something years I believe. I have been told that my dad asked my mother for one, but my mom expressing how she can't even be in the same house with him and how she will get a lawyer pretty soon even if he doesn't kind of makes it obvious what will happen. Now, I actually learned this earlier this year from one of my sisters but it wasn't going to happen until I was completely finished with college. Both of my sisters discussed how they couldn't see our parents together much longer anyways but still, I was caught off-guard with how much it accelerated.
It wouldn't hurt so bad if it weren't for the reasons why. Constant fighting, arguments, yelling, heck even some things being thrown, doors slamming, constant tears, backstabbing, stealing. Someone being a complete bastard and traitor to us all. When I think of a divorce, I don't really think of my parents separating. I think of all the times that I thought were good. That were happy family memories when in fact it was just an illusion of people trying to tolerate each other. I still feel that warmth I got in those moments and think how there is never a chance to have that exact feeling again. No Christmas with my sisters and I waiting impatiently with my dad for my mother to wake up, no fourth of July all sitting by the lakeside and watching fireworks, no Easter egg hunts where us girls would wake up so early and excited enough that our parents smiled but went back to sleep afterwards. I wonder how much of it was even real though. If I was the only one happy. Where it had all really gone wrong.
I can't even stand to go back to the house, let alone think about it. My mom is in another one of our's down south so all that's left at home are my animals (the only reason I go back) and my dad. The very thought of going back makes my heart sink and tears leap to my eyes. Anger boiling inside of me. I just keep continuously being lied to, being fed false emotions to stay happy. I just think, was everything that happened before forgotten?
All the times I was yelled at over the stupidest things, all the times a sister came to me crying in fear and depression after an argument that I only heard through the walls, All the times fights transpired right in front of my very eyes as if I wasn't there at all, all the depression, anger, and suicidal tendencies. Everything that made me how I was in the past. Indifferent. Cold in my own mind. Uncaring of any pain I received. I was afraid to feel anything after seeing what feelings give to you.
Often times I thought of knives and pills, but I never told anybody too seriously. I thought of running away, start smoking and drinking. Try to forget everything I had seen. (Especially a time when my dad walked out to the living room in a rage expressing something my sister had just done. I don't remember exactly if blood was on his hands, but metaphorically it is in my mind even if it wasn't physically there.) Well, one sister beat me to that at least. She got out early and left me with even more of broken parents. I also often thought of hurting others. Grabbing them and hitting them, throwing them. Shaking them and screaming in their face. But then it all cycles back to the beginning. Of not wanting to cause trouble, to not be like the rest of my family. I often times had comments thrown at me about my constant emotionless non-aggressive state. How I don't yell, how I don't argue seriously, how I wouldn't get angry or how I would either freeze up or start crying when yelled at in an aggressive manner. I would act that way because I was scared. Scared of snapping and doing something I may regret. The thought of doing what others in my family did scared me. It doesn't make sense does it? I've already been told that.
When I was younger, I often times expressed on here my depressive episodes and how I felt alone. But after having some family emergencies, I swore off that kind of behavior. I threw away wanting to hurt myself at all or hurt others. I wanted to be the one person in the family that didn't have to depend on pills or counseling to feel better even though I begged for it multiple times. Then would turn away from the thought of begging at some points because I knew we couldn't afford it. Heck, sometimes there isn't enough money for even food. Three of the five of us are already taking pills daily, at least I have been led to believe so. And four of the five of us went to counseling of some sort. Depression and bipolar disorder from one side of the family, alcoholism from the other. What a treacherous child that brings when put together.
I wanted to be that one person in the family that could take care of themselves and others, that the parents didn't have to worry about. Didn't have to worry about leaving a sharp blade around, some pills, and making angry. Didn't have to worry about making sad or going against what they wanted. But when those who you're supposed to look up to can't take of themselves even, how can you feel like you can?
And now I wish that I couldn't feel anything at least for a day, and right now at some points I feel empty and nothing else. I can't go more than thirty minutes without tears coming back and wanting to hold onto something. I was able to go to a friend's house but they had to leave, so I resorted to even hugging a pillow. I know I should eat but eating anything that isn't full of sugar makes me nauseous and I'm just forcing it down. I know I should sleep but even when I do I don't even have the energy to think or keep my eyes opened afterwards, and I even have been gaining nightmares. Waking up because my brain decides to hit me with all my fears in one jolly go. Hearing words again, reliving constant scenes, hearing about weight, watching my four-legged furry friends get hurt, not being able to breathe, stuck in the dark, not being able to reach out and speak without hurting myself.
When I was younger I had a handful of friends, not all at once, mostly one at a time. They couldn't all quite take care of themselves either. I felt I had to be their rock and not show any of my problems. It gained quite a few mentions of how they wished they lived with me. How they wish they had my family or parents. How I was such a good person. I watched their self-destructive tendencies and family downfalls, yet those places felt more safe to me than home. It is pretty bad when the ones you are able to confide in are ones that hurt themselves physically directly, drink themselves silly, or pretty much just tell you to suck it up because it could be worse. I know it could be worse. And that's what bothers me as well. I feel like I have no right to react this way. I have friends and I still have family in some places that love me. I still have places to stay.
Maybe it's because I now have two jobs that take out a large chunk of my energy and thoughts, or maybe it's the classes I struggle to complete because of lack of time when all I want to do is stay with my new friends who let me confide in them. I have no time to completely relax. But still sometimes with my friends it feels like I am just attempting to hold onto a thread in the dark, reaching for it blindly and grasping its fibers desperately. Maybe they just feel bad for me. Maybe they just feel like this is what a friend should do, and do so mechanically. Maybe they take pity on me. What if I am just making them uncomfortable and am taking up their time? Anytime I feel saddened by these thoughts and fears I just push them away and smile for them, faking laughing away my negative thoughts. Living in the moment that I even have someone to speak to about even one subject.
But all these thoughts continuously jump to my mind and I hadn't thought about them for a long time. At least not all at once. I've become scared. I have never felt like this before. Even as a child I didn't seek out comfort from others and would rather lock myself away, crying myself to sleep and letting the problems pass without saying a word to anyone else. I ended up resorting to calling somebody in tears and just telling them to call me back because I just needed someone to talk to. And when they called me back I could hardly keep from sobbing. Even now I feel foolish from acting in such a way, but I can't stop the tears from falling. Not even while typing and it has been well over an hour. Ah, I don't think my eyes have ever been this red before for so long. I don't think I have let the salty water fall this much in front of others so willingly before either.
I went to a nearby town with my friend's mother and all I did was stare at the floor in a blank state while ready to just fall asleep while standing, all while thinking about just holding somebody and being held. Actually being that child I felt like I didn't get to be because I couldn't be. Not being the one that has no problems, that is completely fine, perfect, and dandy. Not being that one child in the family that doesn't have any problems, that never needed to be helped or given direction.
It is very childish to not even be able to speak of such subjects without wanting to sit in a corner and sob, I am well aware. To be more fine with it because it is all expected, that's how I feel others feel I should look at this. Yes, it was very expected. But apparently I just wasn't prepared for it all to happen like I thought I was. It is just that one last hoorah of the world saying that my family is just as bad as before and that it's time for me to just face everything at once since I was the only one thinking that things could possibly ever be fine underneath that roof.
Well, I guess that's all that I have to say right now. I hope it wasn't annoying to anybody who read it, but it was just me letting out some steam. I'm not looking for any "Oh, but I still/will always love you!" stuff or any pity. I want people to just understand what has been going on through my mind because I can't express it through my mouth without blubbering. Hope to get some other art up soon anyways. See ya.
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Commissions for Myself!
3 min read
Hey I'm opening up Commissions again since I seem to just have continuous trouble finding work and looking at my upcoming online classes... Maybe that's a good thing. But I still need to earn money since I need to get an apartment as well as a a macbook (college). So I am going to start trying to do commissions when I have the free time! And if you think the prices are a little high for what the picture may be worth, it's because I am sometimes quite the slow worker since I try different ways to make the picture look it's best and am always learning. (a complete couple days worth of work I could put into one commission). So pelase don't let that annoy you ;A;
Anyways! Prices!
Chibis:
$4 Done up no matter what (linearted, colored, and shaded unless requested otherwise but no background unless requested)
Pencil/Digital Sketches:
$5 For Headshot
$6 For Waist and up
$7 Full body
(Shading automatically included if any)
Lineart:
$6 For Headshot
$7 For Waist and up
$9 Full body
Colored:
$7 Headshot
$8 Waist and Up
$10 Full Body
("Photoshop" Background automatically included)
+$2 for each additional character added to any.
+$2 Composed Background (like an actual environment)
-Coloring is usually a cell type of shading and usually a manga style drawn. If you wish for a different or specific style that I have done before (realism, semi-realism, more painting coloring style) please state so as additional charges may or may not apply.
-Very specific and difficult poses and environment may require extra costs as they are DIFFICULT. But I'm always up for the challenge so usually it must be quite difficult.
-Possible "Package Deals" if multiple commissions are ordered at once.
-Occasional surprise of giving you more than what you paid for. (ex. giving you a colored piece instead of lineart, a composed background instead of "photoshopped", etc.)
-At least two reference pictures would be nice and since I enjoy getting details correct I may continuously update you on the picture or ask you specifics if I feel I don't have the proper amount.
-Please note me, preferred payment by PayPal
I won't turn anybody down thus far, I have events coming up that may hinder my times to work but I will get them all done. List so far of what to complete:
1. Full body & Environment, Colored
2. Waist up, Colored.
3. Full Body, Colored.
Anyways! Prices!
Chibis:
$4 Done up no matter what (linearted, colored, and shaded unless requested otherwise but no background unless requested)
Pencil/Digital Sketches:
$5 For Headshot
$6 For Waist and up
$7 Full body
(Shading automatically included if any)
Lineart:
$6 For Headshot
$7 For Waist and up
$9 Full body
Colored:
$7 Headshot
$8 Waist and Up
$10 Full Body
("Photoshop" Background automatically included)
+$2 for each additional character added to any.
+$2 Composed Background (like an actual environment)
-Coloring is usually a cell type of shading and usually a manga style drawn. If you wish for a different or specific style that I have done before (realism, semi-realism, more painting coloring style) please state so as additional charges may or may not apply.
-Very specific and difficult poses and environment may require extra costs as they are DIFFICULT. But I'm always up for the challenge so usually it must be quite difficult.
-Possible "Package Deals" if multiple commissions are ordered at once.
-Occasional surprise of giving you more than what you paid for. (ex. giving you a colored piece instead of lineart, a composed background instead of "photoshopped", etc.)
-At least two reference pictures would be nice and since I enjoy getting details correct I may continuously update you on the picture or ask you specifics if I feel I don't have the proper amount.
-Please note me, preferred payment by PayPal
I won't turn anybody down thus far, I have events coming up that may hinder my times to work but I will get them all done. List so far of what to complete:
1. Full body & Environment, Colored
2. Waist up, Colored.
3. Full Body, Colored.
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EMERGENCY COMMISSIONS FOR A FRIEND
1 min read
Hey recently read a friend's journal, and normally I wouldn't share something like this but hey I've been in tight spots before and am currently having trouble finding some work myself. But this is a dear friend of a dear friend of mine which makes me consider him to be a great friend. Anyways, he's having trouble right now and is opening emergency commissions. Go ahead and spread the word, he's a much better artist than i!
devangelus.deviantart.com/jour…
Please go ahead and help him and spread the word! I would buy from him if I didn't feel like I was on the edge of opening emergency commissions myself ><
devangelus.deviantart.com/jour…
Please go ahead and help him and spread the word! I would buy from him if I didn't feel like I was on the edge of opening emergency commissions myself ><
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